The curious case of a yet-to-be mother

Before I make any attempt at arriving anywhere with this, let me tell ya fellas, I love you, and this is to be treated solely as a thirty something ‘married for long enough, not yet a mother’ venting it out. If you happen to have inquired about my delayed motherhood, I can only thank you for your concern, it, I have been told, only means that you care for me too much to avoid asking this question. Having said that, it can get tad intrusive at times you know, especially when I am not in a mood to entertain such queries, which by the way is most of the time. Hence, friends and family, no rancor, no angry tirade this. This is simply to connect with all those women who are on the same page with me, have walked this path before they turned mothers themselves, or to simply indulge in some mirth and humor if you may.

While having a chat with a school friend yesterday, I realized our conversation automatically veered to the ‘made-to-seem legitimate’ and the ‘most feared’ questions of our lives at this point. I got worried thinking how much this must be affecting us to have swept aside everything, and discuss only this one aspect of womanhood which legitimizes everything else. She, a full-time working dog mother, and me, a half realistic half delusional freelance writer/editor. So the idea was just to check on her since she was off from her very regular appearances on Facebook. I never knew the weight of a simple ‘what have you been upto?’ coming down so heavily on me until this day. The insecurities are so monumental that the instant reaction was ‘what do you mean?’ Half shocked half surprised, I started explaining myself and gathered it’s her new job that had kept her busy. It’s easy with school friends; you don’t have to go through the courteous questions between ‘how have you been’ and ‘when are you getting pregnant’. It saves a lot of beating around the bush. Bless school friends for keeping things so simple like popping such question out of nowhere. Even asking to share the news in private whenever that happens so that she can plan her's around the same time, making it sound as simple as going shopping together, or planning a picnic even.

During the course of this conversation we did have our share of lol and rofl moments. It mostly had to do with the absurd levels speculations and rumors around pregnancy reach. For instance, a lady in this particular friend’s neighborhood went ahead and told the world that this friend has aborted her child. What may have inspired such an action you would ask, the answer is, this friend with an enviable body decided to slim down further, looking fatigued on the day of her brother’s wedding. This was all that was required to come up with the abortion story. Another group apparently has been going on declaring that it’s her super body that she doesn’t want to lose, which is why this delay. Although I don’t have such flattering stories to share, I got one too. Recently after a tedious journey from one city to the other, doing both touristy and non touristy stuff, wedging between people in cars of all shapes and sizes, when I finally decided to call it quits and vomit uncontrollably after entering Guwahati (not sure if the city had that effect on me!), words of wisdom from a certain elderly female in the family came pouring down deciding this must be ‘it’. Phone call was made to my mother asking me to stay put and not think of going back since now I would need extra care. But what amused me most was how mom rubbished the story. Even going to the extent of pulling my leg saying, “I have so much confidence in you that I don’t even have to check.” Made me feel like she is talking to her daughter in high school. The unmistakable sarcasm was right in place. This is her sly way of nudging the question which she too keeps throwing at me of late, no fault of hers of course. What do they do when a volley of questions surrounding their daughter’s ‘bhaal Khobor’ (good news) keep pouring over weddings, funerals, birthdays, anniversaries, you name it. To this lot I want to say yes there are ‘bhaal khobors’ after all, like a promotion, a new car even a new pet if you like. But this obviously won’t do. Thank heavens for sane  in-laws who consider such questions so intrusive that they would leave us alone, and save themselves of any embarrassment.

 Over the last two years (when the queries intensified), I have realized a lot of it has to do with the way the question is placed really. The query per se is not as offensive, as much the self-righteous ones make it sound. Things such as reminding you of your age, of how it is assumed you have to plan a second one after all, and the worst, comparing you with their own sons and daughters, who are already into the second...the third. And dare you bring up the excuse of career, you are doomed. So what does one do? SMILE.

Unlike a hearty laughter, a smile is often underused, and it’s benefits, very little explored. A smile in this context can go a long way in saving you from this one embarrassing question that follows you everywhere. A coy smile – ok they are at it; smile and eyeball – she doesn’t give a shit to what I'm saying; grin ear to ear – the baby is on its way, etc. It's all about practice, soon you will be a natural at it, I am positively heading towards perfecting it. A head bob is often a good companion to a smile, makes them believe you are actually listening to whatever is directed at you. And if all this fails, count backwards from 10. For desperate occasions, keep the mobile handy for that very important call that you have to attend, a migraine attack even, if you are not already having one after what you have to go through and for what!